Dear Father,

I understand that you have my days planned for me and that all this is going to turn for good, but can I honestly say that this is hard? Oh, Father, sometimes I just want to sit down and cry, and that makes me feel ashamed. What you are calling me to do is not hard, it shouldn't be hard, but sometimes it is. I don't understand why I can't just stay the same.

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.

But, when I look back, Father I don't see a horrible person. I reached out, I shared, I loved. Why is it you want me to do more? I just don't understand what this is all about. Yesterday was a horrible day. I felt like I had won some ground in the morning, but by midafternoon I was a mess. Lord, it's just not fair. Why can't this be easy? It's so hard sometimes and I just want to stay who I was. Because... that's easier.

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

Yes, Father, I know. When I listened to you this morning and reached out in a new way it did bring me peace. Obeying you always does that. I know that I still live with a guard up around me, and I know that is what you are trying to take down right now. I see that. I just had no idea how difficult it would be. It's not that reaching out to others is hard. This morning listening to and obeying you wasn't difficult. But yesterday, oh it was. That was hard. I didn't have to reach out, I had to let go. That was very very hard.

I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

I pray that I allow that to happen, Father. I know I will fall again, and I apologize in advance. Can it work that way? LOL I guess it takes a while for a stream to form. I am so glad that you are the one doing it. Thank you for being there with me. For giving me the refreshment, and for the hope that one day the way will be clear.

I love you, too.